Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Lies!

I would like to live in a world where the women I date are honest.

I was married for almost 13 years. Before that I was in a long term relationship for about 4 years, and after that in and out of short term relationships, culminating in a recent relationship of almost a year.

What I discovered through these relationships is that the women are rarely honest. Lies were told to my face, thinking that I either would never find out the truth, or in some cases not knowing that I already knew the truth. I always gave my significant other the benefit of the doubt, and plenty of chances to be honest, or even change her tune. Other “things” were not discussed, or hidden (lies of omission). I am not naïve or stupid, and I have my resources. A liar is only kidding herself.

I never used to be suspicious, until I found out that my wife was cheating. She of course denied it, then during separation continued to deny being involved with the other man (“Ewwww, No!!!” she said). Then, less than 60 days after our divorce was final, she married him. She could lie right to one’s face and seem totally innocent, thus being the gold standard of lying. She set the bar.

In a more recent relationship, when things started to appear dishonest, my guard went up. I became suspicious and found definite evidence to support my suspicions. She didn’t even come close to the gold standard. I gave plenty of chances for her to come clean, and she didn’t. Finally, SHE broke things off with the statement “My therapist says I should not be in a relationship with ANYONE.” Then, about 6 weeks after, she entered into another relationship… with the very next guy that came along. I am reasonably sure that she met him afterward. But doesn’t that seem bizarre, and even cowardly? Why lie? Why base a lie on someone else’s opinion, that she felt I could not follow up on? Why not say “I’m sorry, I want to break up. We’re too different and I can’t handle all the differences.” Did she think that I was never going to become wise to the deception?

What is wrong with these people? Why the dishonesty? Is it to save my feelings? Well, I have news for people like that. Not only do the lies eventually get revealed, but they hurt twice. First for the situation that is being lied about, and second, for having trusted someone who turns out to be a liar.

A person who enters into a relationship with ME is going to get the truth. I would much rather be open in communication and work through situations honestly, even if it involves breaking up, than to have someone lie to me. If I hurt feelings, at least it will be done with honesty.

I don’t know if “she” still reads my blog, but I hope she does and sees this. To be fair, no names were used, but she should know who she is (particularly when it comes to the comment about the therapist's opinion). If anyone adds comments, please be fair and do not address a person in particular. I hope it leads her to a new path of honest communication. It's time to grow up. Lies are childish and she is now an adult.

To her: I already knew (about him) when I made the vague reference about you being involved with the new guy. I was giving you an opportunity to be honest and you did not take it. You even said “Since I have nothing to hide…” and then lied. I couldn’t believe it, yet, there it was! You will never have a lasting relationship if this is how you conduct your life. Unfortunately, I will never have a lasting relationship either, because my world seems to be full of women just like you.

I would love to live in a different world.

7 Comments:

At 10:02 PM, February 16, 2010, Blogger Adrienne said...

So if she says does this make me look fat, are you going to tell the truth?

I totally get you, and have found unfortunately that it isn't only the women who lie. It is people in general. Sometimes for no reason at all. I dated one guy who would swear up and down that the sky was green, knowing full well I only had to look up to know he was lying, but he would stick to his conviction.

 
At 10:41 PM, February 16, 2010, Blogger Gretchen said...

Unfortunately, I have found that not only do people lie, but people prefer to be lied to.

I, I assume like you Tim, would rather know the facts and make my decisions based on those. Too many people would rather not know, thus they never have to take any responsibility.

Don't give up hope, keep trying, enjoying what you have when you have it.

 
At 12:30 AM, February 17, 2010, Blogger Sean M. said...

Don't they know that you are CLEVER enough to know the difference between lies and the truth? I think Gretchen is right though; some people would rather be lied to than to hear the truth. Obviously you are not one of those people, and that's unfortunate since that's all you seem to get is lies (or like you said, omissions). I'm sorry that things haven't worked out, and I hope that you can find some one decent in the future. Obviously not every woman (or man for that matter) is as big a liar as you have experienced, so I hope you get to find that woman who respects you enough to be honest and fair.

 
At 7:52 AM, February 18, 2010, Blogger patb said...

You were taught as a child, never to lie and it was a good lesson to learn. Just remember, the truth will always set you free.

I love you for who you are. The world is not a perfect world, unfortuneately, and the Lord gave you a precious mind to choose the right thing. Just remember, marriage is not for everyone. You are a very happy individual, and we are so proud of you.

 
At 4:24 PM, February 19, 2010, Blogger Marcel said...

There is a different world from the one you now inhabit. It is a world where people are virtueous, truthful, honest, godfearing, considerate, punctual and great to be around. Your task, should you chose it, is to find out where they are bunched. Yes, they do exist.

 
At 8:50 AM, February 20, 2010, OpenID beaurt said...

I realize I have very little experience but, it seems like the focus on lies won't be too productive. The truth is a lot of people have a lot of fear about love. Maybe the challenge should be finding someone brave. or at least someone willing to share the fear outloud.
-Tracy

 
At 9:15 AM, February 22, 2010, Blogger cheryl said...

Sounds like the women of your past should be damned to Hell and the new women you are looking for are found in a church, any church. They seem to be honest and trustworthy. Not to say you can't find this type on the outside of a church, there are just more of them in a church.

 

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