Monday, March 15, 2010

Moving forward, cautiously.

I got a phone call, based on my last post, wondering if I was depressed and suicidal. Absolutely not! I just had a lot going through my mind that day and wanted to write. Sometimes that is therapeutic.

So, now I have more on my mind and will do the same…don’t worry, I’m just fine.

A few years ago I was dating a woman who started off our relationship with “Isn’t it amazing how much we have in common?” A few months after that, we stood in the exact same spot in her kitchen and she said she wanted to break up because we don’t have much in common. OK, no big deal, so I left. Less than 2 weeks later, she was calling me saying “I think I really made a big mistake in breaking up, and can we get back together?” Well, for me, that ship had sailed. Why could she not have taken the 2 weeks to reflect before making that decision to break up? It just seemed wishy-washy to me and I didn’t want to be in a potential “on again, off again” relationship.

She believed herself to be a very positive person. After a few months of observation, I got the feeling she was kidding herself into believing she was positive, but in fact was just denying reality. Just a casual glance around her house revealed books lying around by Deepak Chopra, and Eckhart Tolle. Why would a positive person need to have books like this lying at every turn? I believe that they were crutches to help her convince herself that she was a positive person, whenever she was feeling not so positive.

Reality is what it is. Sometimes we are up, sometimes we are down. Sometimes things go right and sometimes they go wrong. I do not see myself as positive, nor negative…just accepting of the fact that there is this duality.

One thing this woman said struck me as very interesting. We were talking one day about why my ex left me. She said to me “Tim, you need to look at this in a positive way. (gee, go figure) She knew what she was like (liar and cheater) and that it did not fit with your personality. She loved you SO much that, subconsciously, she gave you your freedom from living with someone like her.”

I like that. It must be unconscious. My ex (wife or recent girlfriend) seem to just hate me. I have heard before that there is a very fine line between love and hate. That person who you once loved, for so many reasons, all of a sudden is someone you hate. But why? I know for a fact that they were treated well.

Observe this text from one of the earliest emails I got from the ex-gf.

“…I am amazed by you. Your passion for life, happiness, music, opera, JP, hobbies, future plans, and me is so unusual and refreshing. You are so different than anything else I’ve experienced and you were right under my nose. Amazing????????? Awesome???????? I am loving every second that we are together and think of you every second that we are apart.

Relax your mind and know that I am a CONSTANT in your life. I don’t want to be overbearing, but I do love our time together. ….”

How interesting that only a handful of months later, everything about me drove her crazy (like that my joints crack, or that I don’t put food in the garbage can, or that I don’t want to be in crowds and have my wallet stolen). And that “constant” that she SAID she was became a “variable” pretty quickly.

So she has moved on…after just a few weeks I knew she was already in the next relationship, and is likely telling the new guy that he is amazing, passionate, etc. I have my doubts that it will last, though, because she is someone who needs rescuing.

I learned something about myself recently…that I seem to be drawn to people and things that need rescuing. I much prefer to build or restore furniture than buy, for example. My ex (wife and GF) both had childhoods that they deemed unhappy, due to their relationships with their parents. I felt for them and stepped in as the good guy that they needed. But, inevitably it was shown that their troubled pasts could not be forgotten, and for all the love and attention I gave, it appeared to never be enough. All of MY flaws became major issues, and on they went to the next rescuer.

So now I am taking my time in order to try to not become attached to yet another woman who needs rescuing. To that end I just had a wonderful second date. Let me describe.

I met “K” through one of the online services. She lives in Greensboro and our first date was lunch a couple of weeks ago. She is very much into the performing arts and loves opera, but she never had any friends who would make consistent plans with her. I didn’t have a date for “Carmen” so asked her if she would like to see it. She had to check her calendar and let me know, but she got back saying she was available and would love to see it.

That second date was yesterday. We met at the parking lot next door to [removed] and drove down to Charlotte for the show. She had never been to one of the pre-show lectures (which I enjoy) and I assured her that the speaker was wonderful. Well, just a few words into the lecture and she leaned over and said “She’s so sassy…I love it!” and was smiling the whole time.

The opera was gorgeous. I had never SEEN Carmen, but was so familiar with the music. It had everything…love, lust, desire, anger, violence, insanity, and murder. It had strong vocals and some absolutely beautiful dancing! There is a scene where a song and dance is done by “cigarette girls”…they work in a cigarette factory. All of them wore dresses that flowed so beautifully and invoked imagery of cigarette smoke. Even the lyrics were about smoke. That’s choreography!

“K” LOVED the show, as did I. Afterward we walked a little and found an Italian restaurant that was not just your average pasta and sauce place. She had a seafood risotto and I had chicken marsala. We shared a portion with each other and had a bottle of Malbec. The conversation (and my date) couldn’t have been lovelier. On the drive back we talked about so many things and seem to be at a close/similar place in our lives, though not exactly the same place.

We talked of former relationships, books, authors, musicals, operas, and so much more. We don’t agree on everything, but the respect for different opinions was evident. I told her that I do not want to rush or push for a relationship and she thanked me for that. It is important for me to make sure that I do not play the savior role in another relationship, and that I have someone that is confident about herself…her looks, and her ability to take care of herself. She seems to have that confidence (and I told her so). She told me about former husband and some former relationships, and her desire to find a man who was mature enough to turn off the sports and communicate for a change. She doesn’t need someone who is 100% compatible, but compatible with a willingness to compromise with each other.

She’s a good looking woman and looked fantastic dressed up for the opera. We parted with a hug and kiss on the cheek. She is on the downside of a cold and it was evident that she was congested, sneezing, etc. Neither of us wanted ME to get sick.

Sound nice? It was!
Looking forward to next time. One thing that is clear is that NEITHER one of us is jumping into the next relationship. To do so would just be needy/codependent.


At 10:58 AM, March 16, 2010, Blogger cheryl said...

Glad you had a great time at the Opera and enjoyed your companion.

At 7:01 AM, May 19, 2010, Blogger Bonnie said...

Good you had a good time, next time you see her don't talk about all the ex's. The more you talk about it, the longer it will take for you to go on with your life. The sound of your post is not depression, but the sound of a man that lives in the past. Let that dead dog lie and get on with living.


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