Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I would like to live in a world where the women I date are honest.

I was married for almost 13 years. Before that I was in a long term relationship for about 4 years, and after that in and out of short term relationships, culminating in a recent relationship of almost a year.

What I discovered through these relationships is that the women are rarely honest. Lies were told to my face, thinking that I either would never find out the truth, or in some cases not knowing that I already knew the truth. I always gave my significant other the benefit of the doubt, and plenty of chances to be honest, or even change her tune. Other “things” were not discussed, or hidden (lies of omission). I am not naïve or stupid, and I have my resources. A liar is only kidding herself.

I never used to be suspicious, until I found out that my wife was cheating. She of course denied it, then during separation continued to deny being involved with the other man (“Ewwww, No!!!” she said). Then, less than 60 days after our divorce was final, she married him. She could lie right to one’s face and seem totally innocent, thus being the gold standard of lying. She set the bar.

In a more recent relationship, when things started to appear dishonest, my guard went up. I became suspicious and found definite evidence to support my suspicions. She didn’t even come close to the gold standard. I gave plenty of chances for her to come clean, and she didn’t. Finally, SHE broke things off with the statement “My therapist says I should not be in a relationship with ANYONE.” Then, about 6 weeks after, she entered into another relationship… with the very next guy that came along. I am reasonably sure that she met him afterward. But doesn’t that seem bizarre, and even cowardly? Why lie? Why base a lie on someone else’s opinion, that she felt I could not follow up on? Why not say “I’m sorry, I want to break up. We’re too different and I can’t handle all the differences.” Did she think that I was never going to become wise to the deception?

What is wrong with these people? Why the dishonesty? Is it to save my feelings? Well, I have news for people like that. Not only do the lies eventually get revealed, but they hurt twice. First for the situation that is being lied about, and second, for having trusted someone who turns out to be a liar.

A person who enters into a relationship with ME is going to get the truth. I would much rather be open in communication and work through situations honestly, even if it involves breaking up, than to have someone lie to me. If I hurt feelings, at least it will be done with honesty.

I don’t know if “she” still reads my blog, but I hope she does and sees this. To be fair, no names were used, but she should know who she is (particularly when it comes to the comment about the therapist's opinion). If anyone adds comments, please be fair and do not address a person in particular. I hope it leads her to a new path of honest communication. It's time to grow up. Lies are childish and she is now an adult.

To her: I already knew (about him) when I made the vague reference about you being involved with the new guy. I was giving you an opportunity to be honest and you did not take it. You even said “Since I have nothing to hide…” and then lied. I couldn’t believe it, yet, there it was! You will never have a lasting relationship if this is how you conduct your life. Unfortunately, I will never have a lasting relationship either, because my world seems to be full of women just like you.

I would love to live in a different world.